“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
broke down and did it
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
“A little help here, Danny?”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?