Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
This guy gets it.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Weirdly Wednesday.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now