Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
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