“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll