Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
#parenting
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
*checks Timeline*…
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.