11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
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[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.