My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube