My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.