I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.