If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING