My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
choose your gary
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I saw this ending much differently.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.