Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Wise advice
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Tremendous stuff
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Shortcut
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
What the dentist sees
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean