Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
that wasn’t the question
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Pizza is an emotion right?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.