“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?