Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I would give up shouting at trees for you.