He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I have a black belt in leather
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
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5
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8
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90Me: Nailed it.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺