Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Every BBC series about the universe.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
the composer
One venti cheeseburger please.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Don’t snitch tag.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.