My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
You Might Also Like
$4 #usedbooks
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
this is the best day of my life
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
They’re the worst 😩
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants