the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Sharon I have some bad news
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
🤣🤣🤣
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf