Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.