*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.