The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.