The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Why font matters.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
No, he would not have.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either