Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy