Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
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Very problematic
Danger is very dangerous
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Message from the dog groomers
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”