[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My favorite part of Beethoven鈥檚 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else鈥檚 house but there鈥檚 no toilet paper, so I鈥檓 forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
CONTRACTOR: it鈥檚 a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle鈥檚 ruined boys we鈥檙e moving!
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Secret Panel HERE 馃敧
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can鈥檛 you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.