You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats