HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
They grow up so quick
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.