I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Haha! 😂
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.