My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.