My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Lmaoo 😂
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.