Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something