Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
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is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
? 💀
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
✌️
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks