*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.