For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.