Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
You Might Also Like
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*frowns in Scottish*
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
It be like that sometimes 😆
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.