I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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scrabbled eggs
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
The Joker was right
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors