Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.