*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.