high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Finally!
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.