Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.