Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You Might Also Like
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.