Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”