Education is vital
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Why am I like this?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT