“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease