Fluff me with a fork baby
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You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that