Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*looks at you in batman voice*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Look at this
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.