cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.