Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?