Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.